President Trump Makes Good on Campaign Promises, F@cks Up Washington Permanently

Tonight President Donald Trump’s head rests easy on the two empty Big Mac wrappers he scarfed down before turning in for the night. It hasn’t been often in the two troubled years of his presidency that Trump has actually won anything. However, everyone knew he would eventually sneak one in somewhere. And Trump didn’t let anyone down.

Like a mother of six growing teenage boys at a Black Friday, President Trump was going to get his way on several key issues he made to backers as Candidate Trump.

The biggest of this group who helped Trump win the election for president, being Russian President Vladimir Putin. Various media reports have linked the president to having multiple illegal financial and political dealings with Mr. Putin inferred.

With Special Counsel Robert Mueller stalking Trump like the girl you slept with in high school but never was for a minute going to call back, Trump found himself desperate, he hadn’t told a lie in over 4 minutes, and was trapped.

However, like any terrible human being, who deserves to roast in hell for all eternity, or at least the Grozny ghetto, Trump remembered back to his young buck days, when he was full of piss and vinegar, and a 12 piece KFC, and a bucketful of racial epitaphs for Mexicans. He remembered his oath to the Koch brothers when they swore an oath of allegiance at the top of a skyscraper built entirely of $100 dollar bills, and Toby Keith and his band throttled the night with his music, he made a pledge.

“If America wants to get f@cked, well, boys, we will f@ck her up the ass.”

Two years later, Trump would withdraw all troops from a politically delicate theater, much to Ally chagrin in Syria and the US government would be shuttered cause Trump “didn’t want them damn fool Mexicans on his property.”

Can you feel it, America? Donald Trump is f@cking you up the ass.

Because, the Donald always keeps his promises.