10 Reasons Why You Want to Move to Portland, Oregon

We here at LBJBR know a good thing when we see it. When we find it, we try out best to keep it a secret because not a damn one of one of us likes to share.  Yes, we are all very selfish here at the LBJBR offices. It’s amazing we have the social skills to write for the same website and not run it off in sixty different directions.

That said,  our home base, Portland, Oregon, has become one of the trendiest places to live in the US for the last couple of years. It rates very high with California people, who can’t afford to live there, Washington people, who like the fact that Oregon  has no sales tax, and illegal immigrants who like the fact that, as  of this moment, it is a sanctuary state that loves to buck the federal government at any turn but has no clue about how to do anything else.

So, that leads us to 10 Reasons Why You Want to Move to Portland, Oregon.

10.

It’s Always Sunny

The old adage that it is always raining in the Rose City was, at one time, true. It is no that way, however.  As I type this on October 22nd, sitting at my desk in LBJBR offices with the office window in back of me, it is bright, sunny and 70 degrees out. Summer isn’t done with the Pacific Northwest yet.

While that may sound great to all the California knobs, it isn’t. Oregon is in the midst of a drought, which has become a yearly concern for state officials. The drought has resulted in massive forest fires the past two summers. This past summer, Portland gained notoriety by having the worst air quality in all the world for several days.

Yes, come to Portland and enjoy the smog. We’re not LA yet but we’re getting there.

#SmogisGood.

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9

Portland: The Cutting Edge of Cool

Portland has a reputation of being offbeat. Outsiders think of it this little indie town where everyone wears designer whatever: boys, the skinny jeans and girls bright, sunny clothes. No one is over the age of forty and every one is a tech whiz who works at some sort of internet start-up company.

Yes, I am well aware of the irony. However, putting aside the hipsters at LBJBR, Portland is not cool, unless you are a committed drunk.

Once famous for having the most strip joints per capita in the US, one of our cooler distinctions, all you can do is get yourself  blind drunk and hope that the nice young lady you met is actually nice, not a hooker or  a prostitute or homeless and is actually of the female and not murdering persuasion.

#KeepPortlandWeird.

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8.

You Won’t Need a Bed if You Don’t Have One

Down on your luck? Out of work? Hurt and can’t work? Come to Portland. We have an out of control homeless problem that has made national headlines. Instead of addressing the problem, the state government in Salem and the city haven’t..No more, they just haven’t.

A corridor of the downtown area has become overrun by homeless people while the state enjoys record tax profits from the legalization of marijuana. What is being done to address the homeless problem by a supposed Blue State (ie. Democrats)?

Why, nothing. Nothing at all. Unless of, the homeless have money to put down on a lovely new apartment or townhouse. The Oregon/Portland definition of affordable housing consists of some bice new townhouses starting in the low 300s.. 300,000 not dollars.

Now, do you understand why an Oregon politician has never been elected president?

#BleedingHeartsBledOut

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7. 

Tree Huggers

Oregon is considered many outsiders to be a green, environmentally friendly state. If it were a challenge between Kermit the Frog and the state of Oregon as to who is the greener of the two,  the state of Oregon would pave over the frog’s pathetic little lilypad of a house and build a nice eco-friendly strip mall.

Because no one does more for the environment that the 7 billion Ulta locations.

#INeverHuggedATreeIDidntSawDownLater

#OregonisCaliforniasGreenState

#OregonisBenjaminsBitch

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6.

See Oregon (Commute Back and Forth to Work)

Oregon is one of the most visually stunning states in the US. Visitors come from all around to get a glimpse of the lush greenery we have. They gasp in awe of the beauty that lays before them.

You are a resident of the state, so it has ceased being that big of a deal to you. Every weekday you step out your front door and there it is. Going to work and coming home, you are able to bask in awe of its magnificent glory. It’s easy. You’ve been stuck in a traffic jam since Thursday last week.

You have to drive because the convenient public transport is a mile away and, this is Oregon. Despite entry ten of this list, it does actually rain here.

Way back in simpler times, civic leaders, in the Portland metro area, wanted the city to become big but not that big. They wanted the area to be big enough to have the big city feel but small enough to have the small town quirk. That way, all of the failed Californians would flock to Phoenix and not Portland. They did, for a while and thus Portland had the ambition of a billionaire Republican at a humanitarian fundraiser where it concerned road constructions.

As well, local environmental groups opposed the construction of new roads to ease the problems, on the off chance the city would experience a population boom. That wouldn’t happen in Portland. Besides, the roads would be detrimental to the environment. Officials agreed with the environmentalists because they had it out for the stupid environment. If anyone was going to kill the bastard, it was going to be developers.

Let the cars idle in gridlock traffic. That won’t hurt the environment.

#FucktheEnvironment

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5.

California and Washington: Neighbors From Hell

Imagine you own a very nice house. It is your dream house. The only problem is your neighbors, California and Washington are fully accredited sons-of-bitches. California thinks it rules the world and has no concept of personal space. California is loud and obnoxious and thinks it rules the world.

Washington, on the other hand, makes your commute to the office a life and death struggle.

Neither knows how to drive worth a crap.

So, yeah. Come to Portland. That cool that got us noticed has been diluted by four parts California and two parts Washington.

But we’re still cool.

Portland’s still cool.

Despite what you may have heard, we are still very weird.

Excuse me, my agent is calling.

#KeepLAWeird

#DoesAnyKnowToTurnEvergreenTreesIntoPalmTrees

#KeepPortLAWeird

 

4.

Oregon DOT

While we realize that the DOT is beholden to the state government in Salem, we have enough scorn to pour on them, so we let the DOT take this one.

Potholes began to take over the Portland metro roads. They grew larger and larger. Susan Battle of Hillsboro lost her whole family when a long thought dead worm type killer swallowed Susan’s yellow Hummer whole.

Oregon officials drew criticism from onlookers from other states when Oregon lawmaker chose to accept  Susan’s farfetched account of the tragedy rather than prosecute her for murder.

“People can think as they like,” began her attorney dared in a released statement. “I watched thing kill everything I loved. I loved that car like my own child.”

In the face of mounting political pressure and email from Fox and Friends’ Steve Ducey, the city bowed to the outcry and drew up a plan to pave over the cataclysmic road hazards.

Beginning on June 4th, the DOT shut every road in the whole state down and informed every citizen to either plan a vacation while the road work was completed or telecommute. Service industry workers, who could do neither were told to “go fuck themselves.”

The state of Oregon cares for all its citizens.

#SuckMyDickSteveDucey

#DOTFucksOregoniansUptheAss

#StateofOregonTellsMiddleClassVoterstoBendOver

#KnuteBuehlerCockSwain

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3. Schools and The Future of Tomorrows Leaders

So, you’ve got two kids, with probably a few more in the wings waiting. A good school is important early development of young children.  So, you pick the state with the third worse high school graduation rate in the United States.

You sweet talked your wife to move to that city where it rains all the time and clears up only long enough so everyone can ride their bikes in the nude.  Now, your two WASP daughters are pot smoking; naked bike riding; protesting organizing; Wiccan worshiping; don’t harsh my buzz saying, member of PETA, who lectures you every time you watch Fox News.

Did I not mention Portland is ultra-liberal?

#PortlandDoesntRepresentAmerica

#StupidLiberal

#CometoPortland

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2. Emergency Response? What’s That?

It snows in Portland. I said it once and I’ll say it again. It snows in Portland.  Global war+The blame that science takes fEnglisScience is  a funny thing you

Now, with that in mind.

Though the Portland metro area. men would meet f remains relatively moderate in temperature all year round, snow does make an appearance every year at least once. However, the state of Oregon does not feel the necessity to engage resources enough to deal adequately deal with the onslaught when it does come.

Thus, the metro area becomes paralyzed.

The public can take care of themselves. Senior citizens and people with disabilities aren’t that big of voting demographics anyhow.

Come to Portland. We put your tax to work so we don’t.

Portland offers generous tax breaks to anyone rich, 420 friendly and owns a snowplow.

#YourTaxDollars

#TaxesAren’tForGovernmentServices

#SnowPlows?

#OldPeopleSuck

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1. Our News Knows Sex Crimes

Everyone loves a good sex crime. The salacious details, lurid behavior of people who could be your neighbor or gynecologist, all make good dinnertime entertainment. If that is what you crave, then our five network affiliates work tirelessly to report it all. From the worst to the horrible, a teenaged boy flasher with a hard-on, the network news affiliates in the Portland metro has you covered.

#PortlandisKidFriendly

#PortlandLovesSexMurders

#PortlandFamilyOriented

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