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Movie Battles: Worst Movie Ever: ‘Racket Girls vs. 50 Shades of Grey vs. ‘Showgirls vs. Racket Girls

For too long there has been ramant speculation as to what is the worst film ever made. Debates, articles and panel discussions continue with no real consensus as to what is in fact the worst movie of all time. With that in mind, we  at LBJBR came up with a practical solution: why not let the movies themselves sort it out for themselves? Thus LBJBR  proudly presents:

MOVIE BATTLES:

The fight to the Bottom

Racket Girls

1

vs.

50 Shades of Grey

1a

vs.

Showgirls

1qaa

vs.

White Cargo

2

Yes, indeed, folks. It’s ladies night at Movie Battles: Worsts Movie and we have quite a battle lined up for you today as Racket Girls (1951) takes on 50 Shades of Grey, Showgirls, and White Cargo in a fatal four way match. I am your Leonard Maltin of the evening Harvey.

The winner of this contest will move on to face the King of bad acting Vin Diesel and his train wreck  The Fate of the Furious. This is a one fall match. The first person who pins an opponent, doesn’t matter who, is the winner.

And there is the bell.

1.jpg

I am Tondelayo.

White Cargo summons its greatest weapon right off the bat. Hedy LaMarr’s acting as the jungle temptress Tondelayo. Her face somewhat darkened skin to make her native-esque, I guess, her strongly accented Teutonic accented native speak, her stiff attempts at sensous dancing, knock the other three from the ring.

1a

I am Tondenlayo

Not since Ms. LaMarr’s first attempt at trying to make everyone ignore her acting (in the film Ekstase) has a nation embraced abstinence and Uta Hagen at the same time.

1

The referee’s counting and all three competitors slowly make their way back into the ring.

Uh-oh, Miss Lamarr seems poised to strike again…

1a

She really is Tondelayo

But wait…

1

Here comes the ever trusting Peaches Page and the epic gullibilty of her character.  Racket Girls makes its way back with the aid of Peaches. Her blind faith in the obvious gangster Mr, Scalli makes her one of the most epically stupid characters in the annals of film.

The sleazy , odd characters that populate Peaches’s world swarm their opponents, with Paul Merton as Monk the bookkeeper in  the lead, ratcheting up the annoying quotient to eleven. The other films have no answer for Monk.

 

“She used to work in a cheap hotel room, now she lives in a swank apartment.”

“She used to work in a cheap hotel room, now she lives in a swank apartment.”

“She used to work in a cheap hotel room, now she lives in a swank apartment.”

Over and over, Monk laments in the film about a fellow book maker. He just won’t stop with the damn apartment.

“She used to work in a cheap hotel room, now she lives in a swank apartment. She used to work in a cheap hotel room, now she lives in a swank apartment. She used to work in a cheap hotel room, now she lives in a swank apartment.”

Now, the crowd have taken up the chant. Monk has turned the tide of the battle. He is thrashing the daylights out of everone.

But wait  50 Shades of Grey likes it.

Ladies seem to be into the whole thing but come on, girls. If you wanted a buff, bland dude spanking and domimnating a nude woman, Cinemax has had that type of programming for years. They even dodge the penis with the same zest and verve.

Yes, the referee has disqualified 50 Shades of Grey. Get an original plot, E. L, and get back to us.

11a1qaa26-18

Security, show Ms. James out. This is a family show, g@d#m&t.

Anyway, where were we?

Oh my god! THE ESZTERHAS IS HERE! THE ESZTERHAS IS HERE! THE ESZTERHAS IS HERE! THE ESZTERHAS IS HERE!

Bo may know…

JOE KNOWS CRAP.

The Evidence

  • F.I.S.T. (1978) – received fee of $85,000 for the script but a record price of $400,000 for the novelisation
  • Flashdance (1983)
  • Blue Thunder (1983) – uncredited rewrite in five days; Eszterhaus claims he came up with the ending
  • Pals (early 1980s)
  • Jagged Edge (1985)
  • Big Shots (1987) – sold for $1.25 million
  • Hearts of Fire (1987)
  • Betrayed (1988)
  • Checking Out (1989)
  • Music Box (1989)
  • Basic Instinct (1992) – received $3 million
  • Nowhere to Run (1993)
  • Sliver (1993)
  • Showgirls (1995) – sold for $2 million[24]
  • Jade (1995) – paid $1.5 million for a two-page outline plus $400,000 to executive produce[25]
  • One Night Stand (1997) – based on Eszterhas’ original script though it was changed so much he took his name off
  • Telling Lies in America (1997)
  • An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (1997)
  • Children of Glory (2006)

Some studio paid $2 million dollars for the script for Showgirls!!!!

$ 2 million dollars for “Elizabeth Berkley goes to Las Vegas and shows  her tits a lot, gives K yle MacLachlan a hernia from a lap dance where she shows her tits. Does a lot of other stuff while showing her tits. Guy says “I’m hard. Why aren’t you?” referring to Elizabeth Berkley’s tits.”

JOE ESZTERHAS

Joe explains a sequel to Showgirl. Elizabeth Berkley, better wake the breasts. Joe’s getting that feeling again.

Winner by TKO –

Showgirls

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Harvey View All

I am Harvey. I am Head of comments and the Complaint Department. If you write a comment or a criticism and I don't reply within 2 days, then I have done my job.

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