LBJ’S Bathroom Reader: 10 Alternative Facts About George Washington

In this Republican infested era, the truth is relative. That is why people in Indiana have inter-married so frequently. In the spirit of no longer being shackled to the tyranny that is the truth, thanks to the vigilance of one Donald J. Trump, LBJ’s Bathroom reader has taken upon ourselves to write the history of the presidents of the United States before anyone else can. Here are 10 Alternative Facts About George Washington. If it were any truer,  Donald Trump would not believe it.

10. George Washington didn’t throw a silver dollar across the Potomac.

The Alternative Truth: The whole Washington threw a silver across the Potomac was a myth. A popular past time, attempts at throwing inanimate objects across the Potomac was stopped after Aaron Burr tried to hurl Alexander Hamilton across the river. He only managed to injure his back and get Hamilton’s wig wet. The feud would go on until the infamous duel that took Hamilton’s life and left Thomas Jefferson a very happy man.

9. George Washington was a player and he had serious game.

The Alternative Truth: George Washington was a straight gangsta. Not only was he was a war hero but the dude could let his freak flag fly, drawing the ire of Thomas Jefferson and the envy of Benjamin  Franklin..

8. He contracted an STD while visiting Barbados.

The Alternative Truth: Playa.

7. George Washington went Rasta and wanted to be Reggae singer.

The Alternative Truth: On a visit to Jamaica, George discovered his passion for Reggae music. So much so, that he bought a recording studio and began to grow his hair out. He dubbed himself “Marley Before Bob.”

6. He was thought to be on drugs because he could bust a  move.

The Alternative Truth: The president shouldn’t be the jivest cat in the White House, much less the country but “Sugar Hips” could bust a move unlike any other president, exempting William Howard Taft, of course. Drugs were thought to be the cause but was never proven.

5. Washington was the only slave owning president who freed all of his slaves.

The Alternative Truth: Yeah, like Thomas Jefferson was ever going to willingly give away free tail.

4. George Washington was Donald Trump before Donald Trump.

The Alternative Truth: Sensing the way of future presidents, George Washington signed the Militia Act of 1792. Presidents like to invade smaller, weaker countries. Be they George Washington or Dwight Elsenhower, they just have got to invade something. So, go, Donald, invade. George Washington approves.

3. Washington established the tradition of a cabinet of advisers.

The Alternative Truth: If not for George Washington, we wouldn’t have ever experienced the joy of Karl Rove,  Henry Kissinger and Steve Bannon. Enough said.

2. Washington promoted the use of mules in the United States.

The Alternative Truth: As if the US needed more asses in it.

1.Washington lied to get ahead.

The Alternative Truth: When he denied any knowledge of chopping down the cherry tree, somewhere Richard Nixon had his first orgasm.