LBJ Bathroom Reader’s 10 Alternative Truths About John Adams

In this Republican infested era, the truth is relative. That is why people in Indiana have inter-married so frequently. In the spirit of no longer being shackled to the tyranny that is the truth, thanks to the vigilance of one Donald J. Trump, LBJ’s Bathroom reader has taken upon ourselves to write the history of the presidents of the United States before anyone else can. Here are 10 Alternative Facts About John Adams. If it were any truer,  Donald Trump would not believe it.

1.None of John Adams’ family was at  his inauguration.

The Alternative Truth The Patriots were playing that day and Abigail was a huge Tom Brady fan.

2. He died on the day as Thomas Jefferson.

The Alternative Truth: When news reached Adams that his rival Thomas Jefferson died, Adams was irate. It was just like that sneaky bastard to die on the 4th of July. Not to  be outdone, the willful Adams suddenly took sick and died on  the 4th. Take that, Jefferson, you sonofabitch.

3. His last words were: “See you in hell, Tommy.”

The Alternative Truth: Adams remained bitter that his rival had beat him to death’s door the few hours he lived on. Jefferson hated being called Tommy. Adams knew this and would take  the chance anytime he could.

4. His son, John Quincy Adams, would become the fifth president of the United States.

The Alternative Truth: The only other father/son combination was George H.W. Bush and his son George. In light of this, everyone heaved a huge sigh  of relief that Bill Clinton never produced a male offspring.

5. He kept a diary of his sex life with Abigail

The Alternative Truth: After Adams died, his diary was among personal effects donated to the Adams presidential library. Because the John Quincy Adams library was so small, a three page pamphlet and some naughty French playing cards, the diary was given to the Quincy library. Nobody viewed Abigail the same ever again.

6. He wrote letters to Abigail that Estes Kefauver’s Committee confiscated.

The Alternative Truth: Kefauver headed a Senate committee charged with the task of stopping porn being sent through the mail. Since film had yet to be invented, his committee had but one avenue, correspondence. They opened and read every one mailed. The letters Adams wrote to Abigail and what he was going to do to her on whose horse lit the committee on fire.

7. For his first full year as president, Adams refused protection outside of the White House.

The Alternative Truth: John Adams didn’t need protection. The line in the Harrison Ford movie Air Force One “The president knows how to fight” was said about Adams.

9. He was George Washington’s bitch.

The Alternative Truth: After a party, Adams was in charge of clean up.

10. Unlike Washington, Adams didn’t have the groove thing.

The Alternative Truth: If you sin’t jive, most Americans won’t subscribe.