With Wrestlemania fast approaching, Washington DC has gotten itself into the spirit of the king of all WWE wrestling events with a program of its own. Nuclear Annihilation I will see people from all aspects of politics competing in the scared circle face off for the ultimate prize, not to have Rush Limbaugh rub his ass in their face (For joke clarification, please google Rikishi).
The card is packed and everyone is stoked far more than they should be. The card looks packed.
1. Tag Team “Grudge”Match
Team Sean (Sean Spicer & Sean Hannity) vs. Cigarettes and Pulitzers (Edward R. Murrow & Walter Cronkite)
The opening match pits Team Sean, press critics and two of the biggest heels polite society have ever seen, taking on Cigarettes and Pulitzers, Edward R Murrow and Walter Cronkite, known for their writing, smoking and rumpled look.
CAP are the epitomy of what journalism used to mean. They are dignified, scrupulous,and beyond reproach.
Team Sean think that reading or thinking are the first stop to drugs, alcohol, and watching MSNBC.
This match is a no DQ with a 2 minute(Spicer and Hannity’s attention span) time limit.
2. Insult Match
John McCain vs. Kim Jong Un
This is a match between two of the sharpest tongues in the business and they both are batsh@t crazy. John McCain thinks that Kim Jong Un is really, really fat. Kim Jong Un thinks McCain is really, really old.
They will square off in an insult match. The participants will trade insults until one starts to cry or John McCain’s 7:30 bedtime, whichever happens first.
3. Futures Match
Jay Inslee vs. Marco Rubio
They are the future of their respective parties. For one, Marco Rubio, the future is now but, since he is only six years old, tomorrow still holds plenty of promise, as long as Donald Trump stays the hell away.
In the other corner, Washington governor Jay Inslee has fought the odds time and again. He’s made believers out of a lot of people who never know Washington was an actual state and not a part of Canada.
This battle today will decide tomorrow because everyone was busy yesterday.
4. Bra and panties tag team match
Kellyanne Conway & Ivanka Trump vs. Nancy Pelosi & Hillary Clinton
Four women you never wanted to see in the bra and panties will go head to head in this specially Donald Trump sanctioned match.The first team to strip the other down to their bra and panties win.
Donald is torn. He never wants Hillary to win but would love to see Ivanka in her skivvies.
5. Legends Match
Barack Obama vs. Ronald Reagan
He is an underrated and under appreciated leader who saved a country on the brink of disaster,while his opponent tried to ruin it. He was responsible for an epic inflation stagnancy that drove prices through the rough while he saved a gluttonous, unregulated beast of an aconomy from the second worse disaster in US history. Donald Trump makes you wish he was back in office, while Ronald Reagan still can’t remember much after meeting a talentless actress and parttime succubus who would lure him to the dark side with more ease than Darth Sidious could ever conjure.
The legends natch is one final tribute to two of the respective parties more iconic leaders. The underappreciated Barack Obama takes on Super Undead Ninja Ronald Reagan for bragging rights. If Reagan can remember the way to the ring, this match has potential classic written all over it.
6. Mixed Tag Team Match
Bill O’Reilly & Ann Coulter vs, Bill Mahler & Rachel Maddow
It’s the right versus left. Who wins? Are these four our only choices?
7. TLC (Table, Ladders and Chairs)
Donald Trump vs, Jake Tapper
A true grudge match. Trump issued the challenge and Tapper was all too eager to oblige him. Don’t let Tapper’s boyish good looks fool you. At the end of this fight, Trump’s going to know he was in a fight.
8. No Time, No DQ, Submission Match
Ted Cruz vs. Satan
This match decides who the most evil person is. Satan has held the title quite awhile. But he’s never faced Ted Cruz. Participants can only claim victory by making the other submit. Sit back, relax. This is going to take a while and it will be messy.