Uncle Joe Stalin’ s Guide to Being a Despot: Part II – The Beginning

So, you’ve decided, Ben and you, to start a revolution. You’ve spent days, weeks, months, even years, undermining an entire country’s confidence in a competent leader, both in print, speech, and your one man show Abbie, Jerry, John, and Ronald Reagan .. Through careful planning, you roll into the capital city of wha…Wait a second, not so fast there, Kerensky. We’ve only just began. You will notice the title says: Uncle Joe Stalin’s Guide to Being a Despot: The Beginning..

As I mentioned previously, choosing the right country to stage your revolution is key. It is the most underrated and least understood aspects. What is its economy like? What are its exports? Will it require you to learn a new language or being pulled over on a hot night in Backwafer, Mississippi?

Think about it. How long would Che Guevara lasted in Russia or Africa? First, he spoke Spanish and you try begging a Siberian guard not to thrown in with Niklolai the Nibbler in Spanish.See far it will get you. What if Leon Trotsky was convinced his work would be better appreciated in Nazi Germany?

I think it would go something like this:

Leon Trotsky: …and that is why I believe socialism would work in Nazi Germany.

The Nazi officials exchange look.

Heinrich Himmler: Aren’t you Jewish?

A leading job website noted: More wannabe despots have had their lives recreated in 1970s Italian sex films than any occupation.

Chilling, I know. Choose the wrong country to over and one day you might be one day portrayed on screen by a man named Ugo.

Wait, not so fast. I know the glorious sounds of revolution are calling you but first you make sure everything at your start is in order.

Five Common Loose Ends.

  1. How old were you when your mother ceased breast feeding you? If you were six or seven, you are hopeless. Suggest you apply for a civil service job instead.
  2. Are there any young naked baby pictures of you on a rug? Nothing undermines a fierce reputation of a tyrant more than a pink, cherub ass.
  3. Are your first sex partner and first relationship still alive? Kill them. No more said. Kill them. Unless, of course, you want stories of that first  awkward sexual encounter spread on the evening  news.
  4. Do you have siblings? Again, kill them. You were born this way. That’s all anyone needs to know.
  5. Were you a good student? Odds are you probably weren’t. No fear. Just pick the one you like the best, the one who says you had a “special charisma” that they’ve rarely seen. Kill the rest

Worried about all this killing?

Well, you failed. Go flip burgers at McDonalds.

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