Uncle Joe Stalin’s Guide To Being a Despot

Many administrations, no matter the country,  no matter the  time frame, have aspirations of bigger and better things. However, in some countries, those dreams are squandered by little trivialities such as a constitution or civil rights or, even worse Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin. Currently, on today’s  political landscape, a potential despot has appeared. With all the potential in the world, Donald Trump remains the truest chance this generation’s political world has of achieving truly great despotic potential.

Will he succeed and live up to the potential of being a truly grand looney? Or will his lack of game be put on display for future potential despots to try their luck?

For most of these wannabe kings, who assemble an entire network of skilled manipulators and snake oil salespeople have spent weeks, months, even years convincing a nation, that you’re no longer a 40 yr old bedwetter, you’re a 50 yr old sex machine who doesn’t give a sh@t.  Yet,  you get stopped cold by the dreaded “That’s not true.”

If you are one of those pathetic despots wondering what to do, lost in dreams of fast cars, big mansions and Gwyneth Paltrow doing her Grace Kelly impression while you snort Pop Rocks off her belly,  look no further, the good people at LBJ’s Bathroom Reader hired the best former despot they knew. That’s me. Just call me Uncle Joe.

If you listen and pay close enough attention, future despots of the world, I shall guide you from conception, when you and your closeted gay friend, Ben, sit idly by in your parents’ basement watching snot dry. Ben’s wandering hand, yet again slowly creeping up your thigh.

Ben: Yo, dude. What do you wanna do today?

Still wore out from last night’s Shannon Whirry film festival, you grapple blindly for some semblance of reality and wished to god you hadn’t masturbated so many times last night.

You: I don’t know, dude. Want to start a revolution?

Ben: You mean like a political one?

Not sure exactly what you meant, you  shrug and let out a feeble:

You: Sure, I guess.

First, we will look at the countries available for invasion. Is the one you’re currently in the best one? Is its economy good? Are natural resources abundant? Are the women hot? Most wannabe despot’s biggest mistake is taking over the wrong country. You have to be sure or else you’ll end up another Occtavio Hernandez.



From there, we shall discuss civil disruptions, planning and knowing when the time is right to strike (Date is crucial. No one will care one bit if your independence date is March 14th), staying in power, consolidating power (Should you kill Ben?), to your rule(Stupid laws do not you cool, evil, mysterious, or interesting. They make you look ludicrous. Not allowing women to wear clothes isn’t original. As well, stupid laws can bring unwanted attention by the international community), and planning your future escape when it all goes south, or dying in office, which is right for you?