Month: March 2017

Role Reversals in Slasher Film “Tied In Knots” Becomes Underground Gay Classic

Slasher horror films have long been the source of feminists’ criticism. The typical scenario of the big breasted dumb woman, who either wears a shirt two sizes too tight or none at all, is a staple of the genre and very much expected at some point. With that in mind, New York born director Julius Goldfarb set out to put the genre on its head.

I thought,” Mr.Goldfarb said in a phone interview with LBJ Reader “that switching roles would be kinda fun. Of course, everyone said I was an idiot. I guess I showed them.”

What Mr. Goldfarb did, by accident or not with his newest film Tied in Knots was create the gay undergrounds biggest hit. It is so popular that no matter whatever gay club you got to, anywhere in the world, you are guaranteed to find it playing somewhere .in the building,

“It’s a phenomenon!” Nicky Sixxes,bar owner by day  and Rachel Maddow impersonator after the sun goes down, enthused after seeing it for the 89h time. “It just speaks in volume the plight of the gay man in this modern society, Julius., Goldfarb , I want to have your children.”

This, of course, is all news to Julius.

The plot concerns two friends, Jerry and Albert, who sit out  on their spring break to get laid for the first time. A wrong turn finds them at the doorstep of Chuck  Raymond, a hermit of a man who is rumored to be a cannibal. Jerry and Albert’s car runs out of gas and they  have to stay the night with Chuck, who convinces the boys that he is actually country music legend Jerry  Reed. Albert’s dreams turn homo erotic during the night and he begs Jerry to leave. Chuck takes the boys hostage but Albert escapes;

A thirty minute chase through the woods of a naked Albert tires Chuck, because his murder weapon of choice just happens to be a jacskhammer, thank you very much. Back at the house, Jerry falls in a pile of cow dung and decides to take a shower instead of escape. Trapped, Chuck tries to drive the jackhammer up Jerry’s pink backside but it comes unplugged and’Jerry escapes.

In the woods, Jerry runs into Louise, a 30 year old female bodybuilder. They build a respect because of Jerry’s huge penis and Louise beats the stuffing  out of Chuck but not before he kills Albert.

Jerry doesn’t care because he has Louise and she wears pants.

The next call for Mr. Goldfarb may just  be from Oscar.

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Nikki Haley Tells Joke, Walks Out of UN When No one Laughs

You will excuse US Ambassador to the UN, former South Carolina governor Nikki Haley. She’s from South Carolina and  thus is automatically behind the eight ball. I mean, South Carolina actually elected Nikki Haley. Enough said. Donald Trump thought that was enough to qualify her for representing the US in front of the rest of the world. So, now the US will now be held to the sense of humor as a perbson from South Carolina. Not even people from South Carolina get South Carolina. It is akin to stabbing yourself in the gut to kill indigestion.

Bored with trying to make the world a safer place, Haley turned to humor to try and put herself and the US back over on the world stage. She lead a group of nations, including North Korea, Iran, Russia, and Syria, in a walkout during a meeting for ending the use of nuclear weapons. Asked why and her answer was short and to the point, “To keep the world safe.” Thinking she was joking the assembly broke out in fits of laughter.

Haley tried to save face and tell the state joke of South Carolina. Translated from Hillbilly the punchline reads: “How the hell was I supposed to know she was my sister? The label said to cook until done.”

In the true style of politicians from South Carolina, Haley’s ineptitude is legendary. Combined with her carelessness, it is easy to see why Trump chose to pick Haley

Reeling Republicans Reveal Secret Weapon: Super Undead Ninja Ronald Reagan

News of the Republicans demise have been grossly over-exaggerated. No, Paul Ryan didn’t suddenly get a brain and remains as dumb as a caffeine addicted Russian. Party leaders have killed that horse after much study and deliberation. Instead, as the Republicans run out the clock in the Trump presidency, the hope for 2020 gets its final upgrades. It is Ronald Reagan, only 20 times better. this version is a ninja and he is undead. The 2020 Republican party presidential nominee Super Undead Ninja Ronald Reagan.

Long in development, Super Undead Ninja Ronald Reagan is the result of numerous top schaientists collaborative effort. That and one too many viewings of Bedtime for Bonzo. Its cost is unknown. Some have put it at a billion, while others have gone as high as 8 billion dollars. Super Undead Ninja Ronald Reagan when asked how much it took to produce hiham played dumb.

“Well,  sir. That is a very good question. In the morning as the sun rose into the Gipper, I realized that I could not recall.

Critics were mixed about the Ninja Reagan. Sean Hannity attacked bystanders with his overgrown, throbbing erection.

“I want to buttf#ck that Ninja Reagan,” Hannity would say over and over.

Hannity’s joy aside, many questioned the Ninja Reagan’s ability. The crowd pushed for a sampling of his powers but creators said now wasn’t the time.

For now, Republicans are sitting pretty with Super Undead Ninja Ronald Reagan. However, word came late that the Democrats put into motion a counter: Ultimate Awesome Aerobic Instructor Bill Clinton.

 

AG Sessions to Strip in Sanctuary Cities

Portland, Or, San Antonio, Tx,  you’ve been  forewarned. Attorney General Jeff Sessions has made it clear that, if these cities continue to disobey federal law and continue offering sanctuary to illegal aliens he will be forced to take action. As the attorney general of the United States, Jeff Sessions wields a lot of power and has the full power of the US government behind him. Yet, Sessions chose a very different method of enforcing the law.

“I will give each of them a chance. Mexicans are coming here and doing very bad things. New crime stats I just recently pulled out of my ass say that eighty nine percent of all crimes are committed by ninety percent of the Mexicans. Thus, I have made it clear to those cities that intentionally disobey the law, I will strip. I will come into their city and take my clothes off.”

Sessions’ tactics have caught the Washington insiders by surprise. Normally, being the attorney general, Sessions has many different at his disposal. Theories abound as to what Sessions’ motivations may be, One thing is very clear: Sessions is very serious about this.

“I owe it to the American people to protect them with all methods at my disposal.

And President Trump has lent his full support.

“Indeed, it is that kind of thinking that will rid us of these vermin.”

The next move lie with the cities and states. Can they really afford to have Jeff Sessions taking his clothes? We shall soon find out.

Donald Trump Readies Himself for the Masters

With little going on in the presidential side, Donald Trump turned his attention to a game he doesn’t need any help from Paul Ryan, golf. Given his recent failures in the political arena, his long plugged reform of Obamacare, the continued Russian controversy, it is easy to see why Trump has sought comfort in the game of golf. As we await decisions on key matters of state, Trump stalks the halls of one of his country clubs, readying himself for the upcoming Masters.

If you are on one of Trump’s golf courses, in one of his club houses and you hear, “Mickelson won’t make a bitch of me again,” don’t be scared. It’s just Donald in training, psyching himself up. He realizes he people will soon realizes he is way in over his head as president and attempts to grope the female reporters of the White House press corps have been met with serious condemnation from all sectors.

A few years back, Donald Trump lead the chorus of outraged citizens critical of Barack Obama taking time out of his schedule to play golf.  Already, in his third month as president, Trump has taken time out of his schedule to play golf.

“Totally understandable,”  White House press secretary Sean Spicer. “What do you expect? He’s is trying to win the Masters for godssakes.  I know the liberal media doesn’t want to hear that but it’s true.”

Disability Prevents Pinocchio Writing For Breitbart

Acting has a shelf life, even a boy made of wood. For Pinocchio, the writintheg was on the wall. People were starting to ask questions of the little wooden boy whose first film was all the way back  in 1940. Seventy seven years later and he still playing a young boy. That knocking you hear, it’s Little Richard and there’s something he’s got to know.

Growing up in the Walt Disney factory, Pinocchio learned about hard work and the magic you can achieve, as long as you are white, male, and not a Jew. Pinocchio knew he was white. The other two things he wasn’t sure about. He liked the long talks he had with Uncle Walt and began to consider a life in politics after the movies appealed to him.

Pinocchio began to listen with greater degree as Uncle Walt talked about the “crazy cripple in the White House who was  trying to lead the US into socialism (FDR), the red neck bumpkin from Missouri,  and that miniature golf playing ninny general who rode his war fame to the White House.

Pinocchio came to understand these ideas were conservative and Uncle Walt swore by these ideas. Uncle Walt showed the boy a website called Breitbart. It was a conservative website that promoted the cause in a very passionate, yet partisan way. It was as if Pinocchio discovered  gold at the end of the rainbow.

As he read the first story aloud, there was a funny sensation in his nose. He paused for a second and continued to read. More tingling.

Pinocchio’s nose began to cry. He gasped. That means everything Breitbart says is a…

President Trump Tells Nancy Pelosi She’s Hot

The reason, after all this time, finally came to light. Donald Trump’s sudden interest in politics was a mystery to many. One moment, it  was boobs, cheap Mexican labor, and how stupid Donald Jr. was. On a dime, he turned and Trump became more passionate about the environment, Obamacare, immigration and boobs. Why the change? Why, a plucky little congresswoman named Nancy Pelosi.

For Donald Trump, Nancy Pelosi was the exact opposite of everything he seemed to crave in a female companion. She was plain looking, outspoken, take charge, and flat chested.  All of them were deal breakers as far as Donald Trump was concerned. But this girl was different. She had a brain in her head instead of air.

Trump didn’t care. After a visit to the store to purchase an air pump for his hemorrhoid cushion, Trump set about crafting a public image to get noticed.  Most didn’t take him seriously but it was true love that spurred Trump into action.

Mistaking Pelosi’s party affiliation, Trump filed for his intent to run for presidency. During an interview on Fox News, Trump let the cat out of the bag but no one knew it at the time.

“Hottest babe in Congress?” Trump pondered the question only briefly. “Nancy Pelosi. I think she’s hot.”