President Trump Says “Illegal Drugs Cheaper Than Candy Bars.” Junkies Rejoice

Junkies and users everywhere are rejoicing. Before they would have to sell their possessions, mortgage tomorrow, or even sell their bodies just to get a  fix because of the substantial amount of money that it takes to purchase that high. Lives have been ruined and homes destroyed.

Now, there is hope.

Newly elected president Donald Trump has given the common street junkie hope. During a press conference, the president shocked everyone when he lamented during a press conference, “Today, illegal drugs are cheaper than candy bars.”

Whole sections of illegal drug users opened their eyes and began to rebel against the nation’s pushers and what they considered price fixing.

“This is ridiculous,” said Mona, a very attractive housewife who took to giving blowjobs out of the laundry room of her house to pay for her increasing pill addiction. Her husband threatened to leave her when he found large sums of the household finances being spent on “Feminine Products.”

“I am definitely giving my dealer a piece of my mind,” Mona declared and then jumped in her car with a rolling pen in hand. She tore out of the driveway with one thing on her mind. Refund!

Mona’s story is not unique. Across the country, dealers are having to account for the high prices for the illict drugs. In Tennessee, Harold H. reported his dealer to the Better Business Bureau.

“There’s going to be a war,” one dealer who requested to not be identified said.

Just as he was about to elaborate, Mona pulled up in front, denting his mom’s new Mercedes.

“You bastard,” she yelled. “You charged my a grand for the pills. Trump says they are cheaper than candy.”

Brandishing the rolling pin, Mona chased the dealer into his mom’s house. Soon, she was joined by half of the outraged neighborhood, demanding accountability.