Month: February 2017

“Words Suck!” Trump Continues Anti-Reading Crusade, Refuses to Attend Correspondents Dinner

President Trump gave literacy his biggest F-U to date. The annual black.tie affair, which raises money for money for journalism scholarships was as high on the president’s to-do list as going Speedo shopping with Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell.Trump didn’t feel the dinner was in keeping with the policy of illiteracy he promised the voters

“Look, it’s like this. I don’t like reading,” Trump said during an impromptu press conference that the president set up and had everyone banned from. “I mean, what is a book going to tell you? Will it tell you how wonderful and huge our wall to keep the rapists and  drug dealers, basically all of Mexico, out? Come on, give me a break.”

Donald Trump will be the first president since Ronald Reagan in 1981 to not attend the event and that was due to John Hinckley’s attempted assassination of Reagan. Still, Reagan called to express his  disappointment at not  being able to hear Walter Cronkite new one man comedy act “Your Momma’s a Big Fat Ho!

Many point to his turbulent relationship with the media as the reason Trump chose not to attend.

 

 

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Scientists Say Evolution Proved by Tampa Bay QB Jameis Winston and Donald Trump

For years,  the theory of evolution has been a hotly debated topic. The idea that man evolved from the apes has found as many people disagreeing with it as agreeing. The apes themselves even mounted a strong campaign a few months ago with the catchy slogan, “Don’t blame us.”

Still, the question of how mankind got here remains hotly debated. A group of scientists at the University of Miami came out and claimed to have found solid proof that man had in fact evolved from apes.

It started last year when Gregory Tamick, a noted PhD and amateur hen teaser, began assessing them state of American culture. What he found even surprised Tamick. Speaking to a group of elementary school students, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Jameis Winston showed that the only thing he’s probably less successful at than football is  women. This from CNN:

While speaking to elementary school students in St. Petersburg, Florida, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Jameis Winston said that ladies are “supposed to be silent, polite, gentle.”

Admittedly, Tamick and colleague George “Sugar” Atwood, both of whom stressed to this reporter that despite the rumors they are not gay, knew they would need more proof. They would find in November when Donald Trump was elected president of the United States.

This once great country was deevolving or else Patrick McGoohan was trying to warn us when he unmasked #1.

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Trump White House Excludes “Fake Newsmakers” From Press Briefing

In an effort to crack down on certain news media outlets who have been labeled as spreading “Fake News,” the Trump White House took the extraordinary step of excluding those agencies from press briefings.

While the motivation for this move is unclear, the thought behind the action is even less so. After all, if the other outlets are anything like LBJ’s Bathroom Reader, they don’t need to be in attendance to make up the news. I mean, a 40 yr old with a computer and an internet hook up is as capable of making up news just as easily and cheaper than Anderson Cooper. Sources report that is why God gave us an imagination.

LBJ’s Bathroom Reader visited CNN for a comment. We were met by anchor Erin Burnett and she admitted she read our site everyday and was immediately struck by how smart and funny we were. Dumbstruck by our dashingly handsome Johnny Depp-esque good looks, Ms. Burnett invited the team home with her.

See? Although you may not believe this, because of how well the piece was written, but no one from LBJ’s Bathroom Reader has ever met Ms. Burnett. Although we are dashingly handsome and Ms. Burnett would be putty in our hands, like all women are(Again, made up), the piece took all of five seconds to make up and we didn’t have to deal with Sean Spicer’s grumpy ass.

State of Oregon Declares War on Trump White House; “Like Hell Will You Get Our Pot”

As it turns out, the bastion of tree huggers and Indie beer drinkers, otherwise known as the state of Oregon, does have a breaking point. Donald Trump found that out just minutes after he announced that he intended to  have the Justice Department enforce federal drug laws,  reintroducing a longtime dormant Republican tradition of promoting states rights so long as they conform to the party platform.

In a surprising show of defiance, Oregon officials delivered the old “Kentucky F#ck You” to the White House.” In a strongly worded letter to the president, the Oregon Governor’s office said, “We don’t like you and you don’t like us. If you think we’re going to let you have our sticky icky, boy, then you don’t know Oregon. Suggest you go fly a kite in Montana. We see you or that toupee ’round our parts,. we gonna shoot your nuts off.”

Later, Trump seemed to back off a little.

“Hey, I loved Oregon. Always have,” the President noted during an Executive Order signing decreeing that “Mexicans Suck.”: ‘I have many friends. Mike Pence and I plan to do the naked bike ride this year. Mike Pence, I tell you. Nice guy, very nice guy. Huge penis, too.”

Many analysts have questioned the wisdom in Trump picking a fight with the state. Many wonder whether Trump isn’t high half of the time. Being friends with Oregon would make sense for him..

Sick of “Fake News” President Trump Issues TLC Match to CNN Anchor Jake Tapper

It was inevitable that President Trump and CNN were going to have to settle their difference somehow. Mike Pence’s idea provided the germ for the idea that would ultimately provide the inspiration for what is to be the most pic political showdown in US political history since the “Hell in the Cell” match between Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis that ended the Civil War in the North’s favor. This time, it will be a TLC (Tables, Ladders and Chairs)match to decide the beef between the Trump lead White House and the powerhouse news media group CNN.

Mega handsome Jason Sudekis wannabe Jake Tapper will represent CNN.

News of the match up made the Vice President of the United States very upset. He could be heard shouting through the White  House halls, drowning out the hollers of the ghost of former President Reagan’s gleeful jubilation that Oliver North had finally faded from the public’s collective conscious.

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“Dammit!” one could hear the white haired Pence bemoaning. “I never get my way.” Few in the Trump circles felt anyone would care that much about a bra and panties match between Kellyanne Conway and CNN senior political analyst Gloria Borger.

“Come on, man,” Pence countered. “Everyone digs a hot grandma.”

No one bit but Pence said remained confident the match would come off.

Meanwhile, as Trump continues on his crusade to clean up the media and rid them from using such nasty things as facts and his speeches, he must ready himself for one pissed of Jason Sudekis…I mean Jake Tapper.

President Trump Says “Illegal Drugs Cheaper Than Candy Bars.” Junkies Rejoice

Junkies and users everywhere are rejoicing. Before they would have to sell their possessions, mortgage tomorrow, or even sell their bodies just to get a  fix because of the substantial amount of money that it takes to purchase that high. Lives have been ruined and homes destroyed.

Now, there is hope.

Newly elected president Donald Trump has given the common street junkie hope. During a press conference, the president shocked everyone when he lamented during a press conference, “Today, illegal drugs are cheaper than candy bars.”

Whole sections of illegal drug users opened their eyes and began to rebel against the nation’s pushers and what they considered price fixing.

“This is ridiculous,” said Mona, a very attractive housewife who took to giving blowjobs out of the laundry room of her house to pay for her increasing pill addiction. Her husband threatened to leave her when he found large sums of the household finances being spent on “Feminine Products.”

“I am definitely giving my dealer a piece of my mind,” Mona declared and then jumped in her car with a rolling pen in hand. She tore out of the driveway with one thing on her mind. Refund!

Mona’s story is not unique. Across the country, dealers are having to account for the high prices for the illict drugs. In Tennessee, Harold H. reported his dealer to the Better Business Bureau.

“There’s going to be a war,” one dealer who requested to not be identified said.

Just as he was about to elaborate, Mona pulled up in front, denting his mom’s new Mercedes.

“You bastard,” she yelled. “You charged my a grand for the pills. Trump says they are cheaper than candy.”

Brandishing the rolling pin, Mona chased the dealer into his mom’s house. Soon, she was joined by half of the outraged neighborhood, demanding accountability.

 

New Secretary of State Tillerson to Take Air of Moral Superiority With Him to Mexico

If newly confirmed Secretary of  State Rex Tillerson thought senate Democrats were evil cut throat bastards, he is about to find out there is a group of people worse than Democrats.

Mexicans.

Amid feverishly high tensions between the United States and its neighbors to the south, Secretary Tillerson will make his first official visit since his confirmation vote. Usually a reliable ally for the United States,  President Trump’s incendiary language about Mexico and the growing illegal alien problem plaguing the United States have set whatever Mexican population that still remains in Mexico on end.

Tillerson spent the better part of ten minutes preparing for what many expect to be a terse exchange. A  last minute meeting with the president gave Tillerson enough racist and disparaging remarks to tide him over for the duration.

At issue is President Trump’s immigration policy, as  well as the wall that the newly elected president said he would construct and Mexico pay for it. Though few would openly ask for such a task, Tillerson welcomed the task and looked forward to it.

“I was coming down here anyway,” the security stated at his first official press conference. “I am in need of undocumented workers who have landscaping experience. You may think you think you can just go down to the street and find one loitering at a taco truck. Sorry, you can’t. That’s what eight years of Obama has gotten us.”